Forever Forty-Six

Today on 27 October 2022, Dani, my daughter would have been 50 years old. Instead, she is forever forty-six.

I am feeling at peace with this day.  I decided shortly after her death to choose peace. I had written a declaration that began with:

I’ve decided to be at peace. Even though existence might be unpleasant; life is always good.

My grief took time and attention and effort as I worked through the sadness, anger, depression, and guilt. The loss took its toll. I am forever changed. Embracing and allowing those spontaneous waves of suffering were key to my healing. I kept up with my self-care. Nutrition, exercise, rest, meditation, stillness, and connecting with Nature have all been vital for recovering from such an emotional blow.

Now, the dates are desensitized and gently, lovingly, and comfortably tucked away in my psyche. The energy is somehow different. I feel her presence less than I did before. At first that made me feel a little sad. It also made me start to wonder why. Could she have maybe reincarnated? Is she somewhere on this Earth and busy with her new young life? The idea excites me and causes more wondering. What gender is she now? Where in the world is she? What race is she now? If she has reincarnated, please may her new life be gentle and loving and rewarding. 

It would have been her fiftieth birthday, but birthdays by default are Earthbound. She is forever forty-six. If she is in another dimension, her time measurement would be different anyway and likely be called something besides her birthday. If she has returned to that other dimension, would her age be the accumulation of her existence? Is she, in fact, thousands of years old? I think of time and souls and life as eternal, that makes age numbering cumbersome at best. What seems important is the forever connection we have with other souls, especially those we love. 

Much of what I’m doing to honor the day is a bit of a personal and private challenge. It’s quiet and between me, her, and the Universe. Some discrete actions I’ll take with the intention of benefit to her, myself, and others. 

There are louder issues of life and death in this current reality demanding attention. I am needed in the here and now. I need to be at my best for it. There’s comfort in knowing what we have between us is respectfully buried away with emotionally manageable acceptance. We’re free to be in each of our own situations. We are free to move on as we are called to do so.

I feel it is on me though, to keep her memory alive. 

Afterall, it was me who gave birth to her. It’s on me to mother her memory. 

For now, that involves remembering her on certain days, lighting a candle, doing deeds in her memory, sharing a story here and there.

It’s on me to recall what an excellent “starter baby” she was. She began sleeping through the night at only three weeks old. How enthusiastic she was to meet others. At four and five years old, she knew enough conversational German to be able to exchange polite greetings when we were out and about in Berlin. It’s on me to recall her musical talent. She was first chair French horn in the high school orchestra. She was kind, funny, and empathetic. She enjoyed reading her way through Shakespeare’s complete works. She had initiative. She supplied the elbow grease and the vitality in any club she joined. There are more examples, more stories, and more virtues. I keep the memories tucked inside me like mental keepsakes. 

Today, I aim to take a long walk and hold her gently in my heart; maybe I will talk a bit with her along the way. 

I take comfort in recalling my dad, of blessed memory, whose birthday is exactly one week after hers. I can hear him in my memories. On the several occasions when I would discuss my intentions of actions I planned for whatever I was facing; he would pep talk me and say,

“That’s all you can do, honey”.

Indeed, it’s all I can do.

With love.

(The End.)

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