At 66 years old, you’d think I would have it all figured out by now.
I don’t.
And it’s frustrating, disheartening, and humiliating.
I cry. A lot. I’m crying now.
I’m the healthiest I’ve been in 15 years. Thank Goodness! It’s not enough. I need more energy, or more time, or more help, or more…what? I don’t even know.
Is this the effects of having a traumatized mind? Am I ADD?
Today is a prime example.
I woke up at 4 a.m. I got up at 5 a.m..
The other day I made, yet again, a new work schedule for myself. It keeps me busy 12 hours a day and has me writing at 8 a.m. for three to six hours. I will either write for six hours, or write for three and work on my writing business for three hours.
I am brand new at being a professional writer and blogger. Professional writers and bloggers need to have social media. I have only my ten year old personal Facebook account. There’s Twitter and Pinterest and Instagram to learn about and set up with a clever name and theme to link back and forth with my blog. What about the videos and YouTube? I enjoy YouTube. I need better lighting. Why can’t I figure out the microphone? I don’t get the audio at all. Forget about editing. Jeez Louise!
And blogging, that’s newer than writing. Happily, I won a four weeks long online course that has 191 lessons. It sat on my computer for weeks until I had time to look at it. So far, I have read through it once to get an overview. I’ve learned how much I didn’t know. I intend to go through it again and walk myself through the myriad of steps to solidify what needs to be done. I had already set up my website and blogged a bit. I figured it would be good practice and a learning exercise until I learned more about the business end of it.
I thought I could at least write on a schedule. Why? Why did I think that? Now, I’m behind with even that aspect of it. Because, my mind is good for one, maybe two key attention-needing subjects. The mundane subjects are cutting off the energy supply to my creative mind and I’m starting to gasp for air.
Anyway, this morning we needed milk, non dairy because we’re vegan, for coffee and smoothies and other recipes. In other words, for our basic survival. We have been needing milk for a few days. For two days we survived on the emergency pantry supply of powdered coconut milk. I told myself I would pick up some last night. Whole Foods is six blocks away. Six blocks. But their milk is double the price of the stores further away. But the powdered milk is double the price of Whole Foods. I am ashamed.
Yesterday, I was busy during primetime-daytime-working time. It was a productive and satisfying type of busy. It took up the whole day. By the time I had wrapped things up, it was rush hour.
Forget it, I’m not going out during rush hour. I have tried that. On the most recent attempt the other day, three angry and sloppy drivers almost wrecked into my car. Nope. I circled back around and came back home. I could go out after rush hour. But, I get tired after a full day. Heck, I get tired after a half-full day. I fell asleep during meditation in the early evening when I tried to reset my energy and motivation. I ended up going to bed at 9:30. I left everything to do later. A kitchen full of dirty dishes. Getting milk. Cleaning the litter boxes.
So, anyway…I wanted to surprise my daughter with milk for her coffee. She’s been so busy with getting started with the latest new semester at college. Her schedule is filled more than mine and with deadlines to boot!
So, I Googled different store hours and factored in distances and landed on going to the large grocery that’s further away or the nearby drugstore. If the drugstore doesn’t have unsweetened milk I will go to the grocery store. That’s a dicey option. I go instead to the grocery because it’s open. It opened at 6:30 and I was there by 7:00. I recorded for future reference the accumulated time. 40 minutes. It takes 40 minutes to pick up milk and bananas and frozen fruit and get back home and put them away.
I really need to shop for more food and I have this new idea to shop tomorrow morning at an even bigger grocery that’s cheaper and further away and opens at 6 a.m.. If I get there at the opening time, I could be back home and have things put away and hit the ground running for writing by my 8 a.m. time slot. All that needs is for me to get up at 4 a.m.. Okay.
Oh yeah, there are the dirty dishes and the nasty litter boxes. They are scheduled for after primetime, but you already know what happened there. Sometimes they can wait through one more day. Today is not that day. That wrecked another hour. Now, because I can, I had some coffee. And I read for 30 minutes. That’s not a distraction. It’s part of my morning preparation ritual. So is meditating. Oh look, it’s 11:00 and I’ve been banging out some ideas on what to write for the past 30 minutes and I’m not feeling it. Everything seems flat and contrived. Like my life!
Now, I’ve convinced myself I am a failure as a human being. There is enough clutter in the house to still be reckoned with! So much so I believe Marie Kondo, herself, would burst into tears at the idea of clearing it. Every household management system is in extensive need of overhaul. Why, because for years when I was not healthy and in pain, while facing crisis after crisis, I was hanging on by my fingernails. Now, I have both healthy hands free and I don’t know what to reckon with first.
And what about a social life? How about building a support system, so when I am ready to tear out my hair and my heart, someone talks me down from the ledge of despair. Hehehe. The idea is laughable.
Last year, with a full-on pandemic and living on the fringe of the world’s epicenter, gave me little chance for that. I didn’t mind. I savored the time with my quirky little family. Except for the time the woods and parks were closed, I rather liked nesting at home.
Nowadays, everything feels off. Is it safe, not safe? What is open? It’s do-able. It is simply challenging. There are no nearby best friends or family waiting in the wings to pick back up where we left off. Striking out into new relationship territories is not as easy as it was pre-Covid. There are fewer venues. It is less healthy. I’m busy. Currently too, I need both my physical and mental stamina to be at their peak. Going out into uncharted socializing waters seems unjustifiable right now.
I do have some charming and unique ideas though about venturing out, if only online. There are in-person ideas too. But, wait! Is that me, once more, getting distracted away from my main ideas and goals? People and relationships are so costly for highly sensitive people. People-loving me can get all jazzed up, energized, warm and fuzzy, over the top, and ecstatic with others. Highly-sensitive me may get derailed, heartbroken, and shut-down by unforeseen situations. There is only so much of me to go around. I have enough to keep me busy and I’m far from managing all I have to do. I must ignore the siren call.
It’s better for now, to rein myself in and keep my focus narrowed on what is already a wide-angle lens version of demands on my time.
And that’s okay. I am privileged and blessed to have what to do.
I am grateful for my health, my home, and my loved ones.
Optimistic me is convinced I can get things done in my personal world and make a positive difference in the world at large. This period of demands will shrink down as I get more experienced. That will give me more time. I will clear away the clutter, or go down swinging! That will give me more space; physically and mentally. The same me who faced other challenges and opportunities will face these too. Life is fluid and flows. There will be a right time to develop both time and space to enhance my little world even more. I’m happy realizing at my age, as I continue to wonder and explore and fantasize, it is truly wondrous. I am here for a purpose. All time and all space are in fact divine.
I love it all.
Guess who stopped crying.
(The End.)
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